Lila lavender
by McBitchy
Summary: I used to be Snow White...but I drifted! The past is back to haunt you,the past is back to love you, the past is back only to leave again...and the present, the present is your rock.MerDer
1. 1 no angel

_I used to be Snow White ... but I drifted_ (Mae West)

Italy Florence--- January 2002---4am

_Why me ?_

That was the only thought that ran through Meredith's mind as she sprinted through the dark narrow alleys of Florence.  
She was out of breath, her legs felt numb from running in heels on the bumpy cobblestone  
and she was ready to collapse anytime but she wouldn't stop…  
not as long as she could still hear those heavy footsteps following her.  
She quickened her pace and turned left in hope of disappearing from her persecutor's sight.

_Mistake! Another wrong decision! Another fucked up moment in the life of Elis Grey's daughter.  
The huge disappointment, the black sheep, the Uncle Sal of the family; stupid enough to run right into the enemy's arms.  
That's what you get for running around like a little whore her mother would have told her...  
if she wasn't preoccupied with some high-profile emergency surgery._

Meredith would have laugh out loud at that thought if her current situation would have been a little more pleasant.  
Dead end, no hiding places, no doors to knock on and cry for help and no big friendly dogs,  
knights in shining whatever or spidermen with supernatural powers to protect her like in all those movies.  
–No- just her ,that bastard,that poor excuse of a human being behind her  
and a few lonely garbage cans that smelled like they hadn't been emptied in weeks.  
She turned around in panic, looking for anything to arm herself with when a harsh voice disrupted the strained silence.

"Principessa, don't be scared. I'm not going to hurt you, I just want to talk to you"  
"Like hell you do." Meredith said under her breath, pretending to be strong but her tearstained face told a different story.  
"You're a feisty one, aren't you. But listen, and better listen good, I'm not somebody who likes to play games  
so either you give me what I want or I'll have to take it and that, ma bella, would require…"

_And that, ma bella, would require…ma bella…Bella!…Oh now, who'll take care of her if I'm dead,  
that poor kitten is only a few weeks old and with my mom...  
and I didn't pay my electricity bill from last month, and Kate, I definitely need to call Kate…  
and I really don't want him to ruin my new dress, that was 500 € and he's not going..._

"I said listen to me bitch" the voice interrupted her thoughts and 'Bastard' took a few more steps into her direction.  
She was now pressed against a cold stone wall.  
A small sharp ledge piercing into her back, brought a fresh wave of tears into her eyes,  
one of her feet was swollen from a fall when she tried to climb over a fence as the other one was placed in a wet puddle of something  
she didn't even want to start thinking about what it was and once again her mind began to wander

_What the hell is wrong with me...  
It's only a matter of time before I'll be dead, dead-dead, six-feet under dead, as in no pulse and heartbeat, going to heaven dead…  
and I'm thinking about my damn cat ,cash, cousin and clothes.  
Focus, Meredith, focus! This is you being killed or something…  
every sane person who'd be in your Manolos would start begging or pray to god, think about the happiest and most important event in their life…  
Dammit, I'm even rambling in my thoughts.  
And oh nooo, now he's standing way too close,his aftershave sucks,  
his fakes Italian accent really starts to annoy me-hello Blondie-…  
and no mister…no no no… BASTARD,hands off!_

Suddenly Meredith was knocked down on the floor and the big shadow hovering above her bent down.  
"Let's have some fun principessa."

_No, please, no no no, not me! I don't want to die yet, leave me alone please! _

WHY? WHY ME?  



	2. 2 Slide

This update neither has been proofreaded nor am I happy with it,

but I'll post it anyway and I promis another update tonight (it's better than this one ;-) )

Oh and yes please read and review (love constructive critisism)... and please tell me if you find any horrible grammar errors or something...please!

3 days later- Careggi Hospital Firenze

_Light  
Light at the end of a dark tunnel  
She wanted to move, run towards it… she couldn't move.  
Darkness forever…no _

Slowly Meredith tried to open her eyes.

Her eyelids felt heavy, the bright shine of the neon lamp hanging above her hospital bed stung in her eyes

and when she finally looked around to take in her surroundings the only thing she saw was bright white.

White walls, white curtains, white table and chair, white bed and sheets, hell even her gown was snow white.

Everything was white, pure, flawless and neat- except her – her body felt dirty, her inside felt dark and lifeless  
and her brain was painted in dark bloody red.

And in her mind she painted with this bloody colour, she painted on this freaking white wall.  
Determinant, sharp lines forming into letters…HELP

_Voices  
Voices were everywhere.  
Some were loud and clear, others high-pitched or hushed  
But for her, they had one thing in common…she couldn't understand them. _

With the very little knowledge she had of the Italian language, Meredith tried to pick up a word or two  
being said by the doctors in her room and in the hallways but she soon gave up.

Eventually somebody would come and speak to her.

Looking down at herself she saw large bruises forming all over her body, a few stitched up cuts here and there  
and her ankle was bandaged… but all of this was nothing compared to the piercing pain in her stomach and nether region.

Suddenly the door was forcefully being opened and yet another doctor entered her room.

Without ever so much as looking at Meredith, the tall redhead started to talk to other doctors  
and checked her heart and lung function on the monitor

before she finally,5 minutes later,turned her attention towards the tiny scared girl lying in bed and started speaking…

_Look the queen interacts with the crowd. What a big gesture, I should be honoured hmpf. __That's great doctor, looking and treating your patients like they're lower than you -snobby bitch-.  
Well I shouldn't complain, at least she's speaking English, she's female and is currently not touching me…  
maybe listening to her wouldn't be half that bad. _

But the redhead doctor had already stoped talking and was walking out of the room.  
Before touching the doorknob she turned around once again :

"And I know it's not an easy decision, so take all the time you need, we won't rush you into anything.  
Just don't forget that even though that man might have donated his sperm, this child is yours too."

_Pregnant…I was pregnant!_

_Pregnant as a result of rape, pregnant as in my child will have his genes, pregnant as in I'm only 22 and just got out of Dartmouth college, __ pregnant as in diapers, breast-feeding, waking up in the middle of the night…pregnant as in being a mother. _

_Whatever this- not so cold-hearted after all - doctor had said, facts were facts!_

_Fact was that she was pregnant, fact was that her rapist did this to her and fact was that she wasn't cut for being a mother. _


	3. 3 Here with me

**Boston Hope Hospital – September 2002**

8 months ago Meredith decided to keep her baby, 7 months ago they discovered another embryo on the sonogram,  
6 months ago, despite her pregnancy, she started med school at Harvard  
and now 8 and a half months after being attacked, raped and almost killed  
she found herself waiting in her doctors office to determine the sex of the two peanuts.

The name 'peanut' had been given to her babies by their aunt Kate when they were only a few weeks old (well back then there was only one)  
and even though they now had the size of a zucchini, 'peanut' had stayed.

Well they wouldn't be her peanuts for much longer. When Meredith made the decision not to abort her child,  
she also decided that she would never be able to raise it.  
She couldn't imagine being around somebody every day, who could look exactly like her rapist,  
not to mention, given the past with her mother, her inability to be a mother .

Therefore giving them up for adoption was the only option for her.  
And today would be the big day.  
As soon as the sex will be know and the blood test, that ensures the kids don't have any diseases, will come back;  
she'd go and sign the adoption papers and then a loving family will come along and give her peanuts the life they deserve to have.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
_"Miss Grey, how are you and the crackers this week?" _

Dr. Rosenberg her really old and friendly gynaecologist asked her before he smeared the cold gel all over her stomach.

_"Peanuts not crackers Dr. Rosenberg "_Meredith answered him with a slight smile on her lips, her first smile for almost 9 months  
_"and we're great although 'peanut 1' decided to change his or her career from professional boxer to soccer player."_

_"Well let's have a look and find out whether the peanut will play in the male or female soccer league.  
So this might be slightly cold and it… oh you already know that."_  
...  
_"What do we have here? Two strong heartbeats, two heads, four legs, four arms, forty toes and fingers and one tiny penis.  
Congratulations Miss Grey! Peanut 1 is a girl and peanut 2 a boy."_

Moments later anurse entered the room and handed him a map which he began to read immediately, then looked up and addressed her.

_"Your blood test is negative for HIV or any kind of sexual disease and it seems like I can say the same about the father's test.  
And I'm sorry but I have to ask you, is he even in the picture because his blood sample is few months old and a new one provides more accuracy."_

Somehow the word father triggered off a huge wave of emotions varying from sadness to rage and before she knew it Meredith snapped at the puzzled man.

_"No their 'father' is not in the picture and if he were, he wouldn't be able to come here  
because he'd be locked up behind bars in a small cell and his only company would be serial-killer named Jack.  
And that blood sample is the only one I have.  
I bit of their 'father's' ear when he attacked and raped me and the sample had been taken from where it dripped on my clothes.  
So no, I'm sorry,but there is no newer one! "_  
After her ranting she wiped off the gel from her stomach and stormed out of the exam room,  
not giving Dr Rosenberg any time to react to her confession.

The next couple of minutes were spent alone in the hallway before she re-entered the room, her head slightly bent, ready to apologize.

_"Dr. Rosenberg, I'm sorry I reacted like this. It was extremely childish and could we just forget it ever happened?"_

"Why, what happened Miss Grey" he replied smilingly and winked at her  
_" but there is one more thing I have to tell you and you might want to sit down for it…"_

DUN DUN DUN


	4. 4 take my hand

All that medical talk...phew I think my head is going to explode

" but there is one more thing I have to tell you and you might want to sit down for it…"  
...

_"When we checked the blood tests for hereditary diseases we discovered that both,  
you and …that man, carry the recessive genes of TSD.  
TSD or Tay-Sachs disease is an extremely rare genetic disorder which is only inherited in an autosomal recessive pattern,  
but since you both have this kind of gene mutation, there's a 25 chance for each child to develop TDS.  
We could however do a prenatal testing to check if one of them has it but any interference at this stage of pregnancy is risky  
and it won't however change the outcome."_

_"Oh…Ohhhh…I…what..how..why.." _Meredith was at a loss for words.  
A billion scenarios played in her head at the same time and she didn't know whether to cry, scream or just stop doing anything at all.

TDS, she vaguely remembered reading an article about it in one of her mom's medical journals  
and from what she could recall this disease was horrible.

_**No, that can't be true! I might have mistaken it for something else…because if not, that would mean that… that's just wrong, right?  
I mean why me, why my kids…what the hell did I ever do to god deserve this.  
This couldn't be happening, this couldn't be real…I had to be wrong…I had to.**_

_"Doctor, Dr. Roseberg, "_  
she eventually asked pain in her voice evident  
_"what exactly are the symptoms of Tay-Sachs because I might know but I'm not wiling to accept them until I hear it from you." _  
Her teary eyes were burning holes through the person seated opposite her, as if it might help reading his mind.

_"Miss Grey, I can understand that this situation is stressful but you have to try your best to stay calm.  
Your low BMI and the fact that you're delivering twins already put you at risk of preterm labour…"_

_"Yeah and YOU not telling me what the symptoms fucking are, is really helping! Tell me…NOW"_

For being so tiny Meredith sure had a hot temper and Dr. Rosenberg knew better than not to answer her earlier question  
so he began to explain the effects TDS has on a child.

_"Well in this case we'd deal with early onset TDS which means that, before it's 6 months old, a child will lose  
or never gain any motor or mental skills and it might lose it's ability to see.  
Later it'll be paralyzed and death usually occurs before the age of 5 years."_

_"So there's a 50 percent chance that one of my children dies before it even has a real chance to live." _

Meredith stated and then she sat down, closed her eyes, laid her head in her hands and finally allowed herself to cry.  
She cried for herself, for her unborn children, for every innocent soul that had to suffer  
and everyone who might has to face the death of the person(s) they love the most.

When Meredith sat in her bed that night drinking tea- wishing it was tequila-  
she reflected on everything that had happened after she'd left the doctors office.

Because when she'd thought her day couldn't get any worse,  
she received the next bad news when she wanted to finalize the adoption.  
After having heard about the high possibility of genetic disease, the family who had wanted to adopt both babies backed out  
and Meredith had been told that the chances of finding new parents under theses circumstances were very small.


	5. 5 Everybody Hurts

ATTENTION: I've mentioned Meredith's Cousin Kate twice. Anyway she was never supposed to play a big role in this story

but I've rewritten the story plot therefore I want to change her name (so it's clear she's a fictional character not a 3D person) from Kate to Ava.

**And please review!!!! I'm not a comment whore but I can see how many people read this fic (all 4 chapters)**

**and yet nobody leaves a review. I need a feedback!

* * *

**

_"Open you mouth for mommy Leo. Brrmm brrmm car's coming now open the garage door."_

Meredith told her 6 months old son Leo as she tried to feed him but he kept his lips pressed together and his eyes began to well up.

_"Please peanut, I know it hurts but you have to eat._

_Doesn't that look delicious? Mashed carrot Leo, you love mashed carrot"_

When she came with a spoon full of orange baby food near his mouth he started screaming like there was no tomorrow.

* * *

It had all started 2 weeks ago when Leo first developed difficulties with swallowing.

She had known from when she decided to raise her son that the day would come when he'd show his first symptoms.

But back then looking at a healthy baby, she had always wondered if maybe he'd been misdiagnosed until the day he stopped eating and reality hit her.

Her son, her little angel was really going to die.

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_3 weeks after she had been informed of the possibility for her children to have this genetic disorder Meredith went into labour._

_They hadn't found new adoptive parents so Meredith's cousin Ava, who had helped her during pregnancy, agreed to raise both children._

_Yet Mer's whole plan shifted once again when the doctors gave her the results of her babies' blood tests that contained the horrible truth _

_- her little son had TDS-_

_Looking down at little Lila and little Leo sleeping in her arms she had made the decision that would not only change her life but who she was forever._

_While healthy Lila should live with her 'aunty' who'd be able to give her the life she deserved to have, _

_her little boy would stay with her and she'd give him everything she could offer for the little time he had._

_She couldn't explain her decision to anybody but she knew it was the right one._

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - -- - - - - - - -

Now she spent her days taking care of Leo, whose newly developed ability to craw already started regressing, and her nights studying for her medical exams.

Having Leo didn't stop her from going to medical school, quite the contrary, it increased her desire to be a doctor

so one day she might be able to save other kids from the suffering her son had to go through right now.

In the meantime Lila developed into a vivid little toddler who couldn't stop squealing and making sounds for one second ,

one who always mad sure that her Aunty Ava had something to do - like saving her sleeping dog from being bitten in his tail .

Meredith and Leo had only visited them once because the long flight to London and the time difference put the little boy under to much stress

but Meredith made it a habit of calling Lila every evening so she could get familiar with her voice.

* * *

Soon Leo's screams turned into a coughing fit and Meredith gathered him in his arms.

Getting him to eat had been hard, but never as complicated as today,

tomorrow they would have to go to the hospital to discuss artificial nutrition or find another way of feeding him.

She lay down on her couch with Leo's sleeping form on her stomach and despite all the exhaustion and emotional distress,

she vowed herself to always cherish the little time she had left with her son even if the results were orange carrot stains all over her T-shirt.

**Again, please review!**


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